Speechless
by MegaBadBunny
Summary: He can't let her think she did anything wrong, nothing besides loving him, anyway.


He knows the instant the TARDIS touches the tarmac that something is wrong.

(There's no grinding of the Time Rotor, no sickly shuddering or sharp-flashing warning lights; it's just wrong, in his chest, something squeezing and clenching where it shouldn't. _Guilt_ , he'd label it if he didn't know any better, but the feeling is hardly helpful when he hasn't a clue what he's done wrong.)

The sonic makes quick work of the door—normally he wouldn't, not here, anyway, but rapping his knuckles and pounding his palm on it didn't work, save to elicit nosy or dirty looks from curious passersby. He flashes the psychic paper and mutters something under his breath about maintenance and steps inside the flat before anyone has time to question him.

The flat, of course, is empty. Well, that at least explains why no one answered the door. It isn't because of…other reasons.

Admonitions about nosiness and boundaries and _sometimes people need privacy, Doctor_ all crowd to the forefront of his mind, only to be pushed to the back as he scopes out the flat for clues. But the flat seems insistent on shaking him at every turn, betraying nothing of its inhabitants' whereabouts. The message-taking pad by the phone betrays nothing; it's new, fresh, no ghosts of messages past pressed into its pages. There are no new notes tacked to the fridge or washing-machine, though the latter has a funny little rattle when the Doctor walks by it (and two-minutes' worth of the Doctor's tinkering puts an end to that). The calendar remains stubbornly unhelpful as well, showing nothing but distant family birthdays and friends' anniversaries and a series of red x's tapering off after—

The Doctor's lips purse together, a dam stoppering the flow of curses trying to leak out. He heaves a frustrated sigh. It's no _twelve months instead of twelve hours_ , but it might as well be. He really is a rubbish pilot. But eventually that excuse will run thin, if it isn't already riddled with holes. One day, she'll stop forgiving him, and he isn't so sure he can blame her.

(He almost forgets to re-lock the door when he stalks out, but he only almost forgets.)

A quick scan of the rest of the Estate returns no notable results, and no familiar faces greet him from the inside of the local chippies, or pubs, or store-fronts. Searching the library is a fruitless endeavor, as is an examination of the bus-station. The Doctor wanders up and down the streets for what feels like years but is, in truth, only a few hours, peeking inside games shops and bookshops and sweet-shops and Tesco's and tailor's-places and any place that hasn't got the windows shuttered because where is she, _where the bloody hell is she?_

And then a thought strikes him, something unpleasant indeed—he checked the bus-station, but that would be pointless if she was already gone. And if she's gone…

He swallows. He can find her easily enough; he's only doing this the hard way out of some kind of silly penance. Finding her isn't the problem. The problem is if she doesn't want to be found.

(After the other universe, after the black hole, after everything at Canary Wharf—maybe she doesn't want to do this anymore. Maybe that's perfectly reasonable. But, rather selfishly perhaps, where does that leave him? What is he supposed to do then?)

It's in a hair salon that he finds Jackie, getting her nails manicured and laughing gaily with a circle of likeminded and like-aged friends, all thoughts of ghosts and Daleks and Cybermen completely erased like they never were. But the second Jackie's gaze land on him, her smile disappears, her eyes gone cold. Her friends continue chattering around her but she doesn't join in the fun, doesn't tear her eyes away from the Doctor's. She raises a sharp-plucked eyebrow and points a lacquered fingernail westward.

 _Go fix it, you twat.  
_

She doesn't need to say it for him to hear it, and he doesn't need a physical slap to feel the shame burning his cheeks.

With a curt nod in thanks, the Doctor turns on his heels and heads westward. Once he's out of Jackie's sight, he runs.

* * *

He feels more than a little stupid when he finally finds her. But of course she's here—with a busted-up machine, where else was she going to get her washing done?

The Doctor just stands and watches her for a moment, taking her in amidst the unnaturally bright laundromat lights. She looks terribly bored from her lonely perch atop the yellowed old washing-machine, her eyes half-shuttered, her hands clasped in her lap. Previous experience tells the Doctor that she should be reading a trashy magazine right about now, or maybe a book pilfered from the TARDIS archives, or painting her nails or noshing on a treat if she's not gone from the laundry room altogether, watching a film with him in the library or keeping him company while he tinkers under the console or lying atop the grass with him in the garden, making up new names for all of the constellations she doesn't recognize, even some of the ones she does—

Another customer pushes past the Doctor and he startles at the harsh clang of the doorbell. So sure he's about to be discovered, he throws a glance at Rose that's somewhere between nervous and hopeful, but she doesn't look up. She doesn't even twitch. She just…sits.

Oh, no. She's not bored. She's numb. She's good and properly numb. And it's good and properly his fault.

The guilty-feeling from earlier bubbles unpleasantly in his gut. He should go in there. He's got to go in there and explain things, namely himself, as much as he can bear to. He can't let her think he's angry with her, even if he sort-of is, in a way that's got nothing to do with her. He can't let her think he just _left_ her here, at least not for longer than he intended, which wasn't really very long at all, not even by her standards. He can't let her think she did anything wrong, nothing besides loving him, anyway.

(She shouldn't; she really, really shouldn't. But that doesn't appear to be stopping him, either.)

It isn't until after the newcomer dumps their washing into a machine and goes through the motions, the detergent and the coins and the buttons and the swearing and the top-of-the-machine-pounding and the pressing of buttons again and then the eye-rolling and the muttering and the leaving, that the Doctor manages to pull together the last remaining threads of his courage and pushes open the door to the laundromat.

Slowly, Rose's gaze sharpens, traveling from their stare into nothingness over to where the Doctor stands, taking him in from the floor up, battered Chucks and pinstriped suit and fists balled in pockets and coat settling around him as the door bangs loudly into place. Neither of them twitch, too fixed on each other as the washing-machines whirr and clang and generally make a ruckus.

Opening his mouth to speak, the Doctor steps forward, but Rose turns away.

He falters. That's sort of a universal sign, isn't it? The unmistakable broadcast of _I don't want to talk to you_.

Fists clench tighter in his pockets before loosening, relaxing. Fine. They don't have to talk. It may be his typical modus operandi but he has other ways of doing things, too. A regular problem-solver, him.

The Doctor crosses the laundromat in several long strides and before Rose has a chance to react, he envelops her in a tight, breath-squeezing hug, his hands wrapping around to either side of her ribcage. Surprised, she tenses beneath the embrace, but relaxes into it soon enough, her own arms coming up to limply encircle him. He tightens his hold on her and nudges her elbow with his— _snugger_ , as if to say. _A real hug. More._ Rose complies and the Doctor imagines he can hear her slight little smile.

Tension eases from his shoulders and he turns his face toward her, into her neck, at this height. He feels rather than hears her swallow, senses the uptick in her breathing, her heartrate. For all their hugging and hand-holding and waist-grabbing, it's still a surprisingly intimate gesture, and a vulnerable one, whether she recognizes it as such. But fortunately, blessedly, she must, because soon she's leaning into him, burrowing into his shoulder while one hand buries itself in his hair.

He needed time, he thinks he should tell her. To clear his head, to sort his thoughts. To give her a bit of a break, room for her to visit her mum. To reconsider if this is what she really wants. He needed time to come to terms with the fact that—

His eyes clench shut against the memory, against the hurt that blossoms with it.

 _I almost lost you._

He steps back with every intention of delivering the apologetic plea hovering on his lips, only for Rose to lean forward and press her mouth to his, swallowing any words that may emerge.

(Thankfully, his hands only flail about uselessly for approximately 1.03 seconds before flying up to her face, holding her close when, flushing and suddenly uncertain, she tries to pull away. But surely his hands holding her close will let her know she has nothing to be ashamed or uncertain about; surely his trembling arms and desperate mouth give him away.)

Both of them jump at the washing-machine buzzing impatiently beneath Rose, letting her know in no uncertain terms that it has completed its cycle, _thank you very much_. But Rose just laughs shakily and pulls the Doctor in for more, and it's sort of funny, isn't it, all of time and space at their disposal and their first proper snog takes place in a dingy old laundromat on unremarkable old planet Earth. It would have been much more romantic to take her somewhere exotic and new, somewhere with a triple-sunset or a glass ocean or rainbow-luminescent flowers unfurling their petals toward the inky midnight sky. But she's kissing him, _she's_ kissing _him_ , and it feels like a promise, one he'll gladly take no matter how little he deserves it or where she gives it to him, romance be damned.

(Later, he'll tell her anything she wants; right now, this says everything they both need to know.)


End file.
